I’m sitting here next to my Dad. I watch his heart beating. I hear his breathing, his snoring.
I want to stay here forever.
I want to have him wake up, open his eyes just one more time. I want him to squeeze my hand when I hold it. I want him to hug me close again. I want him to kiss my head again.
I want to go driving around again and just talk about life. There’s so many other things that I want to be able to do with my Dad still, stuff we planned and stuff I wish we had planned.
Life is already hard. I miss my dad every day and he’s lying here in a bed. I keep thinking he’ll get out. We’ll be able to hang out again like old times (only less than three weeks ago were “old times”). I keep thinking that he’s going to wake up and he’s just been catching up on sleep or something.
My dad has been everything to me. He’s my number one fan. He’s always told me how proud he is of me, especially when I was feeling down. When I made a really bad grade and flunked out of a college class, I was distraught. He understood, he supported and encouraged me. When I’ve felt bad about anything, he’s reassured me that he loves me and that everything will work out and be okay.
That’s what he’s said while in the hospital. That he’s okay and he’ll be okay where he’s going. He’s told us that we’ll be okay too. That’s even though he kept wanting out of the hospital to go home and clean stuff up for us.
I dream about him waking up, this being a dream, this being a joke.
I’m not going to get what I want. God will have my Dad though and that’s what I want now. I don’t want my Dad to suffer even while I still want him around.
I love Dad so much.
You think they’ll just live forever… I did. I thought he would. He would work through every pain he ever had. Even up til the end. He was playing golf, working… he’s incredible. He’s amazing and I’ll never be that strong. To suffer through pain and not let it bring you down.
He lived his life to the fullest up to the end. It’s probably better this way. For him. Not for me or us that are left behind. He didn’t have to go through surgeries or treatments. He was given the news and in two weeks, he’s here, on hospice and just asleep.
I’m sad and I cry but I’m okay with him being free of the pain. He’s suffered for so long with so many health problems.
God, please take my Dad to be with your Son. He’s ready to dwell with you forever. I’ll be there one day to see what’s up on the golf course. We’ll be there to celebrate the victory we have in You. Please hold my Dad and comfort Him as He walks, healed, to you at Heaven’s gates. Comfort us in our sorrow and in our time of grief, now and forward. Let us be in your arms through the sleepless nights and the memories that arise during the day. In Jesus’ precious name. Amen.