Something I’ve come to realize lately is that I want to be invisible. Sometimes I literally want to be looked over. I don’t want people to see me. At all.
I don’t want anyone to see me driving – even though I love driving, I don’t want attention in my attention seeking car with its loud exhaust at stop lights.
I don’t want anyone seeing me do something nice or give to someone or be seen giving a gift. I love seeing someone’s face when they open a gift from me, their joy at getting something they ask for or something I felt like they’d enjoy or like to have but never asked for. Even as I love seeing that, I don’t want their praise or joy to be directed at me really. I’m also perfectly okay not being there when they do open it because what if they don’t actually like it? They don’t have to fake it for my sake. They can do with it what they wish.
These types of feelings and instances are what make me not want to be at or in a gym. Summer? At a gym? No way! I’m caught in this cycle of wanting to go to a gym, being invited to a gym with someone’s gym pass and not going because I’ll be uncomfortable in that environment. I’m not really athletic. I like running around and doing things sometimes (literally running around the yard with my nephew does happen), but being active in front of people who most likely know what they’re doing on exercise equipment? No way. Not me. I have no idea. I would really want to get on an exercise bike or a treadmill. Lame? Yes, that’s how I think of it. I would be so lame.
In general, I don’t like attention. I enjoy being someone who helps out, but if I get recognized? Big oof. I turn red, get all kinds of nervous and freeze up.
I think… I just need a good dose of attention from a few close people to be fine in life. Just to be heard, someone to listen to my woes and joys is all I need. I feel like I have that and when anything extra happens, it’s too much for me to handle.
Do you experience this or is this… just a Summer thing? Lol