This title, when I decided on it, really has two meanings for me.
The first meaning is that when we started working from home and then the town pretty much shut down besides “essential” workers, I thought this would last days maybe, two weeks tops. Those days have now turned to months.
The second, and intended, meaning is that the days have turned into weeks, then months without my Dad. It’s now been over 10 months.
I sometimes feel like my grief hasn’t changed, even though I manage it “well.” That assessment may be subjective, sometimes I don’t think I manage it well, other times I do. I still feel the loss. It feels like he was just here yesterday – perhaps because so much of my life reminds me of him, it makes me feel like he’s here with me. I know part of his spirit lives on, either through me or just drop ins.
I think the last month of so I’ve thought about him even more. September 1st was his birthday and it was just hard to get through knowing he wasn’t here to celebrate and it was just different. His first heavenly birthday. I don’t know if they have birthdays there though, does anyone know? There it wouldn’t matter – time is irrelevant, nonexistent as God lives outside of time, wouldn’t heaven also be that way? Anyway, I just feel sad. I think I enjoyed buying gifts for my Dad the most. It could be the same gift each time and he would be thrilled – he wasn’t hard to buy for really, just a hat (not just any hat… he’s picky…), or golf balls (not just any golf ball…), or a gift card to golf store or golf course (not just any golf course though: “Their greens aren’t looking too good right now.”)
All the days just kind of run together now. I keep thinking it’s the end of the week a lot when it’s Monday or Tuesday. I have to look at the calendar a lot to know what’s going on, what am I doing that day. Time goes from going fast to going slow. It’s hard to tell if the last 10 months have gone by fast or slow, any time away from Dad isn’t that cool with me, but something I have to accept.
How have the days turned to months for you?