In just a few words, it doesn’t seem real. There’s this part of me that still thinks he’s just away somewhere and he’ll come back home. Maybe that’ll never go away. There’s truth in it though. He’s in his home and I will see him again one day. No matter what, this feeling hasn’t gone away and the grief I feel hasn’t shrunk.
I find myself dwelling on the things he’s missing, the little things I wish I could message him or talk to him about. I want to show him my recent drawings or tell him about exciting things that are in store for me this year.
Perhaps I can still tell him these things. I don’t know, it just seems silly I guess. Would he care? He’s in heaven and I’m down here wanting to tell him something that pertains to earth. He’s Dad so he would, he would be thrilled. Heaven’s just so perfect and not concerned with things of earth. Would he hear me? What if talking to my Dad never reaches him? My confidence in knowing God hears my prayers doesn’t reach these parameters, Dad isn’t God and Dad can’t know what I’m thinking without me speaking my prayers either.
It’s been one month since the morning he entered eternal rest. Christmas was different, less exciting. Dad seemed to be the life of the party. New Year’s was laid back for me, spent with friends. I thought about Dad and how he was so excited to just be able to make it to 2020. Only, he didn’t.
Sometimes I wonder, why couldn’t God just let him make it another month? I don’t want to prolong his suffering, it was just this little thing Dad talked about so much, something he looked forward to.
Then I regret that train of thought because it leads to the “now he won’t see me accomplish this or that” road. He won’t get to hug me at special occasions or take random drives around town or go cruising. We won’t have any more matching shirt days.
I didn’t ask for this. I don’t ask this to be put on someone else’s life either. It’s this empty feeling that you can’t fill and it just lingers…
I’m not mad at God. Maybe people ask that or are curious if that’s ever the case. I can’t be mad at God. I’ve read and heard of stories where something bad happens to a Christian and they immediately blame God, they lash out or withdraw from their relationship with Him as if he were the Devil. It’s simply not true. God has a plan we don’t understand and even when it’s hard – like right now – we have to make due, lean on him and make it through. Being angry with God will ultimately make you easily angry with people around you, whether you notice or not. You become bitter and vengeful.
Nothing I do will bring Dad back. Nothing I ask of God will resurrect him from the grave until the second coming.
What I can do now is to ask for strength, comfort and guidance. How do I go on? Where do I go from here? Sometimes these are questions asked by day or by hour.
Learning to remember Dad without living with Dad beside me is foreign but I’m learning the language as best I can. God never leaves me and it brings me solace when I need it most.