Things were fine. I was fine. Everything was FINE. Not great, but fine. Mediocre, maybe.

Last summer, I was hopeful and ready to buy a house. It felt like a good time. Once I got really into it and put that offer on a house, it fell apart and no longer felt like the time and didn’t feel like this is what I was supposed to do.

Since then, I’ve been saving and preparing myself for this summer. This summer is going to be my summer. I’m going to take a further step in independence and have my own home, my own space, etc. One of the big incentives in my home search has been that I work from home and I don’t need this big consideration of commute to work because I rarely go in so like a random Tuesday isn’t a big deal to make a longer drive if I end up being over 20min away, ya know?

In recent months, especially since my grandma had a major heart valve replacement, I’ve been thinking about leaving her and how hard that would be. It would be an adjustment, but this is what I need and she could always end up coming to live with me – what I tell myself to get me through. I also think about how difficult it would be to live alone with the responsibility of my dream home all by myself. Knowing God would provide a way doesn’t comfort me when I also know that maybe having the home to begin with isn’t what He has for me, even though that’s really disappointing to me. I never wanted to live alone, but that feels like what I’ll have to do some day and why not get that started?

I let my Bible Study Fellowship group know a few months ago how I was feeling – that my goal was this summer on getting a house. They’ve been praying for me in that direction. At BSF on Tuesday, they asked how that was going and I said, “Well, I don’t know, I’ve just been having more doubts recently and not as enthusiastic about having a home even though I still dream about it every day.” It’s an odd feeling to have.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling meh. I’ve been having a wrist pain that’s super inconvenient considering my work in accounting… where I type and use a mouse for 9hrs a day. Then, I just woke up not feeling 100%. We’d been having issues and I got all busy working on something and forgot to log into a State of the Company meeting until the 15min mark when I realized my mistake. As soon as I logged in, our CEO announced layoffs.

Yep. Layoffs are coming soon. The uncertainty is enough to spur anxiety and all the things. I felt like I missed a lot in a 15min span, but apparently not the main things. I managed to make it just in time for that.

To add an insult to injury, they’re also mandating that those of us with direct reports must go into the office three days a week starting in May. Yes, this introvert who is more productive and comfortable at home, must be thrust back into an office building for 27 hours a week. I’m the complete opposite of thrilled and I just want to pray they’ll rescind this.

So, all this to say… maybe it’s a God thing. I know it is.

I needed validation, something. I have money that I needed to know what to do with in a week kind of thing and now I’m taking this as God’s answer for me.

I’m not going to buy a house. When the right one and the right times comes along, I’ll be ready and just like He’s nudged me here recently, I’ll know it’s right then, too. Along with all my doubts and now my work requiring me to go into the office, that’s going to impact where I move to and also what my budget might look like, this is it for me. It’s all completely outrageous – prices and the situation.

While I feel like MY COMPANY IS RUINING MY LIFE, I’m also trying to stay realistic and think about how God has me here in this moment for a reason and thank God I didn’t go through with buying that house last year. Maybe going to the office will be good for me, but I’m so blinded by my own weaknesses and comfort that I don’t see it just yet and I need to keep an open mind.

So yeah, everything is FINE.

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If you can spare a moment to include myself and my team of precious ladies, we would greatly appreciate it during these challenging times we’re heading into over the next couple of months.

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Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7